1. Whiskey 

Q: Why did God invent whiskey?
A: To prevent the Irish from ruling the world!

2. In Memory Of My Motherland 

Seamus was tending bar when a patron came in and ordered a beer and a shot. A little while later another came in and they struck up a conversation. “Let me buy you a drink in memory of my motherland, Ireland,” the first said. “Ireland?, I’m from Ireland too. I come from Dublin. Let’s drink to Dublin!” said the second. “Dublin? Why I grew up there. Went to St. Mary’s.” replied the first. “Me too,” said the second. “Seamus, another round!” ordered the first. And so it went. A short time later another patron came in and asked, “Hey Seamus, What’s going on in here today?” “Nothing much, “the bartender replied, “Just have the O’Reilly twins in drunk again.” 

3. Dublin

Q. How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A. He’s Dublin over with laughter!

4. Leprechaun Lenders

Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a Leprechaun?
A. Because they’re always a little short. 

5 Staggering Home 

An Irishman was staggering home with a pint of whiskey in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. “Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”

6. Driving Home

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the drunk driver, “where have ya been?” “Why I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening”. “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.” 7. Shamrocks
Q. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day?
A. Regular rocks are too heavy

8. Married Life

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A. A bachelor.

9. God Vs. Bono

What’s the difference between God and Bono?
God doesn’t wander around Dublin thinking he’s Bono.

10. The Bet

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

11. Origins of The Irish Jig Origins

Q. How did the Irish Jig get started?
A. Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

12, Weapon Of Choice

Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp. “What happened to you?” asks, the bartender. “Jamie O’Conner and I had a fight,” says Paddy. “That little shit, O’Conner,” says the bartender, “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.” “That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.” “Well,” says the bartender, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?” “That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”

13. A Dying Wish

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy, and Shawn O’Brien grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, “O’Brien, come ‘ere. I ‘ave a request for ye.” Shawn walked to his friend’s bedside and kneels.
“Shawny ole boy, we’ve been friends all our lives, and now I’m leaving ‘ere. I ‘ave one last request for ye to do.” O’Brien burst into tears, “Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It’s done.”
“Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I’ll be able to enjoy it for all eternity.” O’Brien was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend’s request, he asked, “Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?”

14. Drowning In a Vat of Beer

Pat came to tell Mrs. O’Flaherty about her husband’s untimely drowning in a vat of beer at the brewery.
“Oh, the poor man” she sobbed, “Please, tell me, did he suffer much?”
“I don’t think so mum; he came out three times to pee!”

via GIPHY


15. Barmaid

Q: Why did the barmaid champagne?

A: Because of the stout porter bitter.




16. My Obituary

Seamus opens the newspaper and is shocked to see his OWN obituary.
In a panic, he phones his friend and asks: “Did you see the paper?! They say I died!”
The friend replies: “Yes, I saw it! So, where ya calling from?”


17. Tea Bags

Q: What’s the difference between Ireland and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

18. Drunk Priest

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a policeman pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: “Have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The cop replies: “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says: “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

19. Jesus In Ireland

Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in Ireland?

A: He couldn’t find 3 wise men or a virgin.

20. The Way To Cork

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork. Paddy says: “Are you on foot or in the car?”
Billy replies: “In the car.”
“Well that’s the quickest way,” says Paddy.


22. Happy St. Patrick’s Day

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St Patricks Day!
Irish Jokes Aren’t For Everyone

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